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In an infamous Sex and The City episode, Carrie Bradshaw asks the bank for a loan to buy her beloved apartment—only to learn she has just $1,600. Not surprising, considering we later find out she’s spent $40,000 on designer shoes. Frazzled and anxious, Carrie later harasses Charlotte into loaning her a down payment. It’s just another day in the life of Carrie’s very-unaffordable-on-a-writer’s-salary lifestyle, rich with impulsive shopping sprees, constant cab rides, and fancy dinners out (as a writer myself, I can sadly confirm that a weekly columnist salary will absolutely not fill my closet with Manolos).
You might say she has a pretty disorganized relationship with her finances if we’re using the psychological theory of attachment styles to psychoanalyze the fashionista. Sure, this theory is typically applied to our romantic—and even platonic—relationships, but considering that money is one of the biggest and most impactful relationships in our lives, it goes hand-in-hand with our wallets too.
According to Khara Croswaite Brindle, a licensed financial therapist, “Our attachment to money is typically rooted in the money beliefs we grew up with.” So if you like to embark on an impulse shopping spree like Carrie or avoid checking your bank account because it stresses you out (*raises hand*), it’s not all your fault. The first step is identifying your money attachment style—only then can you learn how to finally feel secure with your finances. Ahead is everything you need to know about each money attachment style and what to do if yours is… well, the opposite of secure.
MEET THE EXPERT
Khara Croswaite Brindle
Khara Croswaite Brindle is a licensed mental health therapist and certified financial therapist based in Colorado. She is an 8X published author and the co-author of the upcoming Your Enneagram and Money, to be released in 2025.
The 4 Money Attachment Styles
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is pretty self-explanatory—it means that you feel anxious in your relationship with money. Fiscally, anxious attachers have a scarcity mindset stemming from a fear that there’s never enough money, says Croswaite Brindle. She adds that they often have “money focus” or “money vigilant” scripts, such as “money should be saved” or “more money would make me happier.” Finally, anxious attachers attempt to stay grounded with a detailed and rigid budget and sometimes fixate on the cost of things so much they create a headache, tense muscles, or sleep issues.
If you compulsively check your bank account, invest a lot of time into finding the best deals, or pick the cheapest thing on the menu because spending makes you uncomfortable, you might have an anxious relationship with money. While having an anxious attachment to your money may help you achieve financial goals, it can also spark stress or leave you in a state of unnecessary frugalness.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Do you avoid checking your bank account or opening your bills or credit card statements? You probably have a dismissive-avoidant money attachment style. Croswaite Brindle says that those with this style might shut down when money is talked about around them or “go numb, dissociate, or withdraw” as a response to their discomfort.
They often have a mindset of “I don’t want to think or talk about money,” according to Croswaite Brindle. They may not even advocate for a raise at work or raise their rates in their own business, which could self-sabotage their financial growth. Moreover, they may even experience noble poverty, which she defines as “sacrificing our own financial well-being for the benefit of others.” For example, you may keep your pricing the same so you don’t upset your customers even though you need the profits to pay your bills. They might think they’re doing the right thing, but ultimately, putting your financial well-being on the line for the sake of others is a dangerous way to approach personal finance and can lead to burnout, she says.
“While having an anxious attachment to your money may help you achieve financial goals, it can also spark stress or leave you in a state of unnecessary frugalness.”
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized (hi, Carrie!), is characterized by both anxious and avoidant responses as a result of an inner conflict. This can show up as a hot-cold response to our spending and saving. Croswaite Brindles explains that disorganized attachment serves as a barometer for a person’s emotional response to money: They may buckle down and have a savings goal in response to anxiety, but if it’s too rigid, too depriving, or not in alignment with their values, they could swing to the other extreme of impulsive spending as part of avoidance.
“One minute I have a structured budget, the next I’m tossing it out for a spontaneous trip,” she says. “One minute I’m calculating how much I should spend eating out, the next I’m throwing up my hands and living in an IDGAF mentality with my money.” Sound familiar? If so, consider yourself fearfully avoident.
Secure Attachment
Someone with a secure money attachment style feels comfortable with the money they have. (Please teach me your ways!) Sure, they may wish they had more money or less debt, but they accept their financial situation and don’t let it emotionally sway them. They can navigate the ups and downs of their finances and balance saving and spending with a positive outlook. This attachment style “reduces the emotional swings between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment to something more neutral,” Croswaite Brindle says. “Money serves to reassure them of their progress and finances feel more transactional than emotional,” she added.
How to determine your money attachment style
As soon as Croswaite Brindle explained each of the money attachment styles, I knew immediately where I landed: dismissive-avoidant. I’ve noticed dismissive habits in my life for practically my entire adult life as it pertains to money, but most glaringly, the complete avoidance of my bank account on any given day is a dead giveaway. If your attachment style doesn’t feel as obvious as mine and you’re wondering where you land, there are a few things you can do to get to the bottom of it.
“Putting your financial well-being on the line for the sake of others is a dangerous way to approach personal finance.”
Start by considering the following questions and taking note of any emotions or thoughts that come up: How was money talked about when you were growing up? What feelings come up when money is the topic of conversation? How do you feel when you look at your bank account? How do you feel about how you currently balance saving and spending? If these questions are already making you clam up, it’s safe to say you don’t have a secure attachment style. You might notice feelings of anxiety, which could mean you have an anxious attachment style, or you might want to avoid these topics altogether, which could mean you have a dismissive-avoidant style. Feeling both? You’re likely fearfully avoidant.
The answers to these questions and your feelings about them, as well as taking a hard look at your finances and identifying patterns (like a week of saving followed by an impulsive day of Saturday spending) can help you determine your money attachment style.
How to develop a secure money attachment style
If you view money as transactional or as a tool to help you responsibly live your most fulfilled life, or if you believe “I control my money, it doesn’t control me,” congrats! You are securely attached to your money. This is the end goal, and if you’re not there yet, that’s perfectly OK.
Start by getting curious about your emotions surrounding money and journaling about them, practicing healthy or neutral beliefs that start with “I believe money is…”, and asking yourself what you want your future relationship with money to be. Croswaite Brindle also suggests writing a letter breaking up with money, followed by a heartfelt letter from money responding to you in secure attachment as a supportive partner in your life. You can also work toward a secure attachment style with the help of a financial therapist or a financial therapy book. Croswaite Brindle recommends Feel Good Finance by Aja Evans.
But one of the most important things you can do, she says, is to have regular money meetings with yourself. This will help support a healthy money mindset and beat anxiety and avoidance. Mark a spot on your calendar for a check-in, asses what needs improvement, and celebrate financial wins, and you’ll work your way toward a secure attachment style in no time.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hillary Hoffower
Hillary Hoffower is a New York City-based writer and editor with a decade of experience in business and lifestyle journalism. She specializes in covering all things money and work, especially as it relates to younger generations.
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